Ptr. Herald Cruz is one of the Board of Trustees of Heartstream Philippines. He finished his undergraduate degree of Pastoral Studies from Bethel Bible College, and his MA in Christian studies from the Alliance Graduate Seminary and has a Graduate Diploma in Family Counseling from the Center for Family Ministries (CEFAM) at the Ateneo de Manila University. He is currently part of the Favor Church pastoral team and is a Family Counselor at CEFAM. He also hosts the program “Serbisyong OFW” a daily AM radio program of DZAS. He concurrently serves as one of the Directors of an International NGO and helps the poorest of the poor in the Vizayas and Mindanao. Herald and his wife Melissa are regular resource people for various Magazines, Newspapers, TV and radio programs. The couple has been married for more than 30 years and have 4 beautiful children.
Introduction
One of the most profound privileges of ministry is the opportunity to walk alongside individuals through the peaks and valleys of their lives. Serving as a healing presence and an extension of God’s boundless grace in their journey is an extraordinary experience. Witnessing the transformative power of God’s presence, even in the seemingly small moments, is truly remarkable.
In moments of celebration and triumph, we have the privilege of rejoicing with those we serve, amplifying their joy and gratitude. Sharing in their highs allows us to not only witness the goodness of God, but also to affirm His active presence in their lives.
Likewise, during times of struggle and despair, being a comforting and empathetic presence is a sacred duty. It is in these moments that we have the opportunity to embody the compassion and love that God extends to all of His people. Through our ministry, we have the honor of helping individuals recognize and experience God’s abiding presence, even amidst their challenges, and even to the point of almost giving up.
Furthermore, the beauty of ministry lies in the fact that it encompasses both the extraordinary and the everyday. It’s not just about grand gestures or supernatural interventions, but also about being attuned to the subtle ways in which God’s hand is at work. It’s about recognizing the small, yet relevant, moments of grace that shower our daily lives.
In essence, ministry is a journey of shared humanity, where we are privileged to witness and participate in the intricate weave of people’s lives. It is a calling that invites us to be vessels of God’s love, conduits through which His grace flows into the lives of those we serve. And in this sacred work, we find our own hearts profoundly touched and transformed.
To be effective alongside people, we need to cultivate empathy. Empathy is crucial for those who aim to support and accompany others on their life journeys. It stands as the bedrock of genuine human connection, enabling individuals to feel truly valued and deeply understood. Empathy surpasses mere sympathy or distant understanding. It entails immersing oneself in the emotional landscape of another, embracing their joys and sorrows as if they were our own. Through this profound connection, we offer a powerful affirmation to the person we are walking alongside, letting them know they are seen, heard, and valued in their entirety.
On Empathy
Empathy is not a new concept, but its significance in the realm of assisting others cannot be overstated. Unfortunately, it appears that many helpers tend to listen with only partial attention, preoccupied with formulating their next response. What these helpers may not fully grasp is that it is the presence of empathy within the helper that can empower the person seeking help to grapple with their emotions and achieve a genuine catharsis of their experiences. In this article we will look at the definitions of empathy, drawing from my personal experiences. I will also share practical techniques for its effective application, while addressing the potential barriers that might impede its expression. Through this writing, my aim is to foster a helpful understanding of how we can genuinely support others during their moments of pain and vulnerability.
When I was a young pastor, I encountered a heart-wrenching situation involving a couple who had tragically lost their two-year-old son to complications related to his heart. A few hours after the death of their son, the father called me and asked if I would accompany him in selecting a suitable coffin for his child.
In the sad confines of the funeral home, we moved from one small casket to another. Periodically, he would turn to me and quietly seek my opinion, his voice filled with a mixture of sorrow and longing. Each moment felt like an eternity, and the weight of the situation was very heavy. I knew that mere words could never alleviate the depth of his pain, so I stood beside him, offering a silent presence and a shared burden of grief.
Years later, I had the privilege of reconnecting with the father. He looked at me, gratitude shining in his eyes, and said, “Thank you so much. I will never forget that in our darkest hour, you were there.” In that pivotal moment, I said very little, but my presence spoke volumes. It was a testament to the power of empathy, to stand unwaveringly with someone in their most agonizing moments.
What is Empathy?
Carl Rogers, defined empathy as “entering the private perceptual world of the other and becoming thoroughly at home in it.” That phrase, though very short, is very rich in meaning. To enter into the “perceptual” world of another person is therefore not simply “feeling” what the other person feels in terms of emotions, but feeling what the other person saw, heard, touched, and sometimes, even smelled and tasted. It is being where the other person was. And if that is not a tall order, consider the second part of Roger’s definition of “becoming thoroughly at home in it”. For this to happen, one must perceive the experience, without barriers, and accept it as one’s own.
Empathy has been a personal struggle for me, both in my personal life and in my ministry. In my formative years, due to perceptions of rejection and feelings of abandonment, I subconsciously erected walls as a defense mechanism against ongoing emotional pain. These barriers unintentionally prevented others from truly entering my life. Regrettably, this self-preservation tactic also hindered me from forming meaningful connections, even within my own family and marriage. My fear of experiencing hurt again led me to keep people at a distance, all the while unknowingly pushing them away.
However, as I embarked on a journey of learning and practicing empathy, a remarkable transformation took place. I began to realize that genuine empathy paved the way for deeper, more authentic relationships. It allowed me to truly connect with others, offering support and understanding in a way that was previously hindered by my own defenses. Through this process, I discovered that vulnerability and empathy are powerful tools for fostering genuine human connection and mutual growth.
Murphy and Dillon described the empathy phenomenon in more graphic terms. Empathy is “much more than just putting oneself in the other person’s shoes. Empathy requires a shift of perspective. It’s not what I would experience as me in your shoes; empathy is what I experience as you in your shoes” (italics original). Surmising from the definition of Rogers, and Murphy and Dillon, therefore, empathy requires us to do two things. One is to have an internal representation of the other person in our being, and one must do a lot of “digging” to complete this representation. The second is to experience the presenting problem from the perspective of this internal representation we have conceived of the other person.
Empathy is indeed a deceptively simple word, yet its impact is monumental. Whether it is present or lacking, the effects of empathy ripple through both the giver and the receiver, leaving a lasting imprint. To genuinely assist others, one must recognize and prioritize the role of empathy. Its significance extends far beyond mere interaction; it holds value in our personal development, our relationships with cherished individuals, and in the ministry we engage in.
In our pursuit of helping others, empathy serves as a bridge that connects us to their experiences, emotions, and struggles. It enables us to see through their eyes and feel with their hearts. This profound connection fosters a sense of understanding and validation, creating a safe space for them to open up and seek support.
Moreover, empathy is not limited to personal growth and one-on-one relationships. It is a cornerstone of effective ministry. By empathizing with those we serve, we gain invaluable insight into their unique challenges and joys. This allows us to tailor our approach, ensuring that our ministry resonates deeply and meets their specific needs.
In essence, empathy is the cornerstone of meaningful human connection. It is the foundation upon which we build bridges of understanding, support, and love. It enriches our own lives and empowers us to make a positive impact on the lives of others.
Let us look deeper into this concept and share its far-reaching effects on the well-being and experiences of individuals involved in both roles – that of the helper and the helped.
Empathy is True Listening
Listening is something that we do everyday. Or is it? A professor from the University of California, Gregorio Billikopf Encina, recently wrote an article about empathy and titled his article Empathic Approach: Listening First Aid. He states his case about empathic listening this way:
A good listener has sufficient confidence in himself to be able to
listen to others without fear. In contrast to a diagnostic approach to helping, the listener:
- Takes an empathic posture (motivates the other to speak without feeling judged).
- Does not use pauses as an excuse to interrupt.
- Permits the speaker to direct the conversation.
All three points would be very good practical advice to starting helpers. The first one, taking an empathic posture, is important. Helpees often “read” their helpers by their non-verbal actions, and if a helper’s posture and affect communicate to the other person that they are being listened to, without being critiqued, then the chances of their “spilling their guts” becomes greater, and so does greater understanding. A helper who is very concerned about what the other person is saying may, from time to time, lean toward the speaker, and their interest is revealed in their faces, tone of voice, and body language. They can signal with our head movement that they are listening. But, if a person is truly interested, his body language will show it. These things are not “practiced”, but have to be truly felt.
The second point, of not using pauses as an excuse to interrupt, is also a good point. Many times, helepers use pauses to “at last” have their say in what they think the problem is. The root problem in this matter is that silence makes many people uncomfortable. What many people do not understand is that when a person pauses, they continue to think about their challenge, and we must respect that, no matter how difficult, or how “tempting” it is to fill that gap.
Lastly, Encina says that we must let the client direct the conversation. Again, this is something that does not happen normally. More often than not, the helper leads the conversation to what he thinks the helpee needs, way before the time that he fully understands the needs of the other person.
Empathic Listening Techniques
Self-directed questions
Many people need to “learn” how to listen with their heart, or, empathically listen. It is a skill that does not come naturally to most people. It is important to ask yourself a few questions before proceeding :
❖ Can I step into his private world so completely that I lose all desire to evaluate and judge it?
❖ Can I let myself enter fully the world of the client’s feelings an personal meanings and see these as he does?
❖ Can I enter it so sensitively that I can move about it freely, without trampling on meanings that are precious to the client?
❖ Can I extend this understanding without limit?
❖ Can I sense it so accurately that I can catch not only the meanings of the client’s experience which are obvious to him, but those meanings which are only implicit, which he sees only dimly or as confusion?
If the answer to any of these questions is in the negative, then the counselor must look introspectively and see what issues are hindering him from having full empathy with the client.
Encouragers
When listening to an individual, they must be able to feel that you are with them. They can be both verbal and non-verbal. Non-verbal encouragers would be the nodding of your head, facial expressions, and other ways of showing them that you are with them. Verbal encouragers would be the “um,hms”, “really?”, and even, “please tell me more…” Again, these should not be “staged” but should be truly felt by the listener.
Reflecting and Summarizing
Reflecting and Summarizing is a powerful tool, not only in counseling, but also in everyday life. Reflecting is simply repeating what you heard (probably paraphrased in your own words), saw, and even felt, if it is reflective of what the client has felt as well. Summarizing is the abstract of what you have heard and it is a way of making the person feel that he or she has truly been heard, and makes you sure that you understood the other person correctly.
Empathic Listening Practice
It is to my opinion hat it would help if empathic listening is practiced, in a structured environment, as well as in unstructured environments such as everyday conversations as well. In this regard, she has proposed the following model for the structured environment approach:
(In twos, one is the Speaker, and one is the Empathic Listener, then, switch)
Speaker:
- Talk about a topic that is very close to your heart at this point in time, for around 3-5 minutes.
Empathic Listener: - Must put his or her own values, needs, and biases aside
- Use verbal and non-verbal encouragers
- Interject some reflecting statements
- Summarize what he or she heard
Discuss the following with your partner after the exercise (without defensiveness on either party):
For the Speaker: - Did you feel respected and heard?
- Did you feel that there was true communication?
- How can it be better?
For the Empathic Listener: - Were you able to put aside your own values, needs, and biases and really “feel” with the other person? Why or why not?
- Did you notice a difference in your style of listening here, in comparison to how you normally listen in daily life?
- What did the experience feel like?
Barriers to Empathy
The barriers to empathy encompass a multitude of challenges that can impede our capacity to authentically connect with the emotions and experiences of others. These obstacles may arise from cultural differences, preconceived notions, discomfort with strong emotions, or even a lack of understanding of our role in a supportive capacity. Overcoming these barriers requires self-awareness, open-mindedness, and a genuine willingness to step into the shoes of another, allowing for deeper, more meaningful connections to flourish. The following can be possible barriers to empathy.
- Cultural Differences: Varied cultural backgrounds can lead to differences in communication styles, values, and perspectives. Without an understanding and appreciation of these differences, it can be challenging to truly empathize with someone from a different cultural context.
- Gender: Gender stereotypes and societal norms can influence how we perceive and interact with individuals of different genders. Overcoming these preconceived notions is crucial in fostering genuine empathy.
- Seeing the Client as an Object: It’s important to view clients as unique individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences, rather than reducing them to a set of symptoms or issues. Treating them as objects can hinder the development of a genuine empathetic connection.
- Not Understanding Your Role as a Counselor: A lack of clarity regarding your role and responsibilities as a counselor may lead to confusion or uncertainty in providing empathetic support. Understanding the boundaries and expectations of your role is essential for effective counseling.
- Your Inner-World (Inscape): Our own emotions, experiences, and biases can sometimes interfere with our ability to fully step into another person’s shoes. It’s important to acknowledge and manage our own feelings in order to be present and attuned to the experiences of others.
- Preconceived Ideas and Beliefs: Deep-seated beliefs and preconceived notions can create barriers to understanding and empathizing with individuals whose experiences differ from our own. Recognizing and challenging these biases is a crucial step towards cultivating genuine empathy.
- Discomfort with Strong Emotions: Intense emotions like grief, anger, or pain can be challenging to witness and respond to. It’s natural to feel uncomfortable, but it’s important to develop the skills and self-awareness necessary to navigate these emotions with sensitivity and empathy.
By identifying and addressing these barriers, we can enhance our capacity for empathy, allowing for more meaningful connections and effective support for those we seek to help.
Conclusion:
Bullmer says that empathy is clearly not a normal response in everyday life. That is true. If we observe what has been written, not only in this paper, but in the numerous books seeking to enlighten individuals about this phenomena of empathy, we will see that the reason why so little people practice it is that it takes so much from you emotionally to practice it.
We are in an age and generation where we shy away from pain at all costs (just look at all the numerous pain-killers available in the market), and being empathic means going counter-flow with actually wanting to feel the pain. This, then, goes against the very grain of what society currently dictates. That is why many fail at it.
By reflecting on the example set by Jesus, who bestowed upon us an unconditional and boundless love, we find a profound illustration of empathy as a spiritual journey. In embracing us as we are, with all our flaws and complexities, Christ exemplifies the essence of empathy—a deep understanding and acceptance of humanity. This empathetic connection, devoid of judgment or bias, serves as a transformative force. If more individuals were to embody this facet of Christ’s character, envisioning the world through the lens of complete empathy, we can envision a world profoundly enriched by compassion, understanding, and genuine connection.
Bible verses that resonate with this sentiment include:
John 13:34-35 (NIV):
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
Matthew 7:1-2 (NIV):
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
Ephesians 4:32 (NIV):
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Romans 15:5 (NIV):
“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had.”
These verses underscore the significance of love, non-judgment, and compassion in our interactions with others, aligning with the core principles of empathy as exemplified by Jesus.