by: Ms. Monette Tumangan
Spiritual Director, Heartstream Philippines.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalms 73:26 NIV
How do I describe grief especially its depth? My flesh and heart went below the earth so suddenly and there was no comprehension to it. I could hardly breathe! The only way that my body could cope was the release of tears at the wee hours of the morning. The travail was loud!
Maimai and Dee alternately slept with me when the sadness was still raw. They would be awakened by my crying. They would respond by tenderly massaging my shoulder and arms. Of course my crying was about Panser’s passing and I could not stop it. I was passed denial. I had to face it! Was I angry? I dare not be angry at God! It was more of anger at His choice of a human being to cross the great beyond. Why Panser? Was it because he would worship God with dancing and singing with unashamed energy? Lord, he was your good example on how to worship You. Why take him away from the scene? I would rant away with my human reasoning! God’s answer was simple and direct: who are you to question my sovereignty? Were you there when I created day and night? That floored me! I bowed down in worship. Who am I, a worm, to question the Creator?
I then surrendered my heart and soul to His ever gentle hands. He made me realize that He gave me a family who helped my daily needs especially companionship, love and wisdom. Secondly, He gave my daughters Sol, Mai, Dee creativity to recreate special events like birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, New Year into new traditions so we could survive them without breaking down. Third, I recognized that my faith can stand the onslaught of tragedies and pain. The umbrella cannot stop the rain but it can help me get dry. Indeed, He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever! Do you know that it was the reading of Psalms that calmed me down? The Word’s power to give the soul peace is beyond comprehension. Reading the Psalms aloud was like an incense that wafted to the throne of grace and mercy. In the armor of God, His Word was the sword that can penetrate the bone and the marrow.
Am I over the season of grieving? This is my answer: Ranata Suzuki aptly said it:
“It’s just never going to get any easier is it? It’s never going away, this missing you. It’s going to become a sadness I incorporate into myself – along with all the other sadnesses – and quietly carry around with me forever.”
I will not be able to get over it! Move on? No! It’s more like carrying it like a precious jewel in a beautiful box, treasuring its memory. As I face my tomorrows with hope, I have this treasure that will brighten even the most gloomy day. To my fellow grief travelers, I pray you have learned something from this meditation.
1. In your grieving, have you identified which stage you are in? Pls explain.
2. What verse/s in Scriptures helped you in your grieving?